Wednesday, April 30, 2008
its done. after 3 mths of sheer torture. its done. for this semester.
been trying so hard these few weeks. i guess all ntu cbc students have been trying so hard these few wks ba. really must mention ntu cbc cos this course is really...painstreaking. haha. this course is certaining not for the weak heart. the endless nights of studying, the packets of coffee...redbull...books...repetition of music from playlist to keep us going...radio..all. all requires determination, endurance and...patience.
okok. just a summary of the exams. i took 5 papers, in sequence its: Defence Science, Calculus II, Analytical BioChem (ABC), Physics II, Biochem II.
Defence Science was tedious cos its 100%. Alot to study. But copeable. I was on the verge of falling aslp in exam again..cos its the same scenario. its a 5PM TO 7PM paper. its my most chui time. In case u all don't know, my lowest peak is that time. V chui. haha..brought gums in to chew.
And darn, the next day is Calculus II. I needed a freakin' 70m JUST to PASS that paper. Yes, it was THAT pathetic, and i ended defence science at 7pm, by the time i started my maths revision, its...9pm..haiz. I saw the paper and i sworn i tried my best man, but i noe my limitations. haha. 5big qns, 1qn v confident, 2qn good, 3rd..ok..4th..eh...5th..die. So..to pass FINAL is definite, to pass module is the qn. haha.
Then comes ABC, freaking loads of formulas. No formula list given. I flunked my midterm and i assured my lecturer he wun see me again. (i mentioned in my previous post i think). And i can say i tried my best too. haha..hope he wun see me again. BUt..its soo darn tedious. i couldn't finish.
THe next directly after ABC was physics II. this is one of the most disappointing exam i have ever taken in my LIFE. I did well enough all the while. I only needed a freakin 30m to get thru the module. And guess what. i noe i cant get it. This was a gamble, and i lost...BADLY. i had the idea that i will smile out of the exam hall no matter what. BUt i couldn't. I saw the paper. it was 2.5hrs paper, and i stopped writing after 30min. i cant do the paper. I gambled on topics, i gambled on qns. None came out except for a 15mark qn. I REALLY REALLY couldn't do the rest. Some called it mental block, some call it panic attack, i don't know. I can hear distinct pressing of calculators and busy scribblings from the tables beside. BUt i cant pen anything down. I tried. it was so disappointing that i cant bear to walk out of the exam hall like i always do if i decide to forgo the qns. Now its too much. i only needed 30m. I flipped the paper like umpteen times till its really wrinkled and sat thru the WHOLE 2.5hrs but its gone. Thanks alot, its the 1st time i felt so much like an academic failure. It may be sth tt others noe how it felt. But its nt easy for me to say i m gonna retake a module. failing tests is alr a huge adaptation to me, but to retake a module..to hell with tt. drank beer and all to end the nite. its a paper that i wept.
last module was biochem. a subject tt i have always had more confident to pass. tons to remb and till my hair turned white. but..at least it paid of nicely such that i can say i will pass this. i even went for POST exam dinner celebration the evening before my paper..lol..
seriously wondering if i made the wrong choice of chemistry instead of sticking to biology which is my forte. in any case, i noe i cant turn back now. i wun, for my character, i wun back out and change course. many pple i noe from my course did that, done that and some doing it this semester. I noe i wun...but its really really tough... 6 more semesters to go...
i told my mum that its really hard and she just said, "good things never come easy. this path is what u want right? if its so easy to get to it, maybe the success rate for every1 will be high too. and u wun make much out of it. u chose it, so u must do it." I hope its true.
I promise, i will try not to land myself in such shit hole again. i will redeem myself.
OK, end of that...and i m seriously gonna have ALOT of FUN!!! 3mths of hell needs equivalents or more to regain my "high" self. and this is a start baby! I have gave my post exam a mini start off alr..so do get me out of my pigsty and let's all have some fun pple. Bring it on! Mention it and we will do it. =)
Lastly, i got my Astrology & Cosmology module! 1.5mth of module. Gonna only have sch from every tue to thur, 1pm to 4pm. SO...wad are u waiting for...meet me and i will show u the world. haha...
" good times and the bad...u tried standing there by me. hard to believe, i think i m falling into it..=)"
3:53 PM
Friday, April 11, 2008
feeling abit angry with blogger now. I blogged almost finished then there was this server error and all are gone. its been a while since such thing happen to me. great.
back from hostel after a wk of happenings. its nice to be home in fact. now its kinda like a relief..refuge place after weeks of rubbish accomplishments. but today its a little different. I usually enter my house, instinctively looking to my right cos' my sis room is there and she's usually in, or rather will be back soonafter me. Today's different though. Her room was vacant and dark. I thought for a while of shld i go straight to her room or to mine. I was to move over cos' my parents said the toilet is connected there and many other reasons so yeah. I walked to her room and was surprised cos some of my stuffs are over there alr. I walked back to my original room and it looks familiar yet stranger now. Hi new room. I need time to orientate.
today was a strange day too. I went to collect my analytical biochem paper. FAILED. i hate to type the 6-letter word over and over, but i seem to type it time after time. Its annoying.
1st weird occurence was when roommate and i went to collect our papers. Searched for his room for the 1st time and saw 20pple outside a room. Streamed past them to find his room and they didn't mutter a word. They seem to be waiting for sth but we didn't know. I spotted his room like 0.5m away from the crowd and saw a shadow inside, knocked and went in thenafter. He said he wanted to reveal paper 1 by 1 so i stepped out, to only realise like 3min after that the 20pple outside were all waiting to see him. And a b**** actually said sth like,"wah...someone jumped queue sia...wah lao". Oh pls, call urself dumb or dumb man, i looked at u all but u all kept mum, and so don't accuse man. save it maybe u can pass ur paper.
2nd occurence was when i entered the room after and he immediately asked if i was sheena. I went "huh?" like 3 times then he kept repeating "u sheena right? i am correct what, no meh?" i was like stunned. How he actually knew manz. This module had no tutorials, just pure lectures and i m always sitted like at the last 3 rows of the lect. Never did i talk to him once since day 1 of his class. LOL.
He saw me sighed and asked why. I told him i know i failed and he said that there is only 2 possibility - either i didn't study and nv put in enough effort or i cant understand. I said the 1st. He replied by saying i m lucky that i wasn't his sec school std else he will scold till i break. I remarked, "Why not...u scold me now?" He was stunned. I said i know i can do better, i just didn't have the time and all at that time. He said that this cannot happen now...and i wanted to reply, "yeah...i quitted everything alr...right?". I didn't say that in the end. I nodded and said i know what i shld do. i will pass. He asked if he is a good tcher. i said yes. He asked if i can do it. I said shld be. What a let-down. I want to make a change.
3rd occurence, was to go home from hostel but roommate was feeling down too. end up gg to tampines to walk ard and have dinner. sat at cartel and ordered our food. think roommate is influenced by me and my mustard-dipping habits that she liked it too. She asked a crew for mustard and crew replied, "I think MAYBE there WAS NO mustard". wahahaha...wah raoz..the english..damn buang. i laughed so hard on my seat after tt pple ard me turned. what is maybe? either got or not arh...then the "was", what she mean? Yeah right i know there is no mustard on my platter of food. lol..funny. ok..maybe not..just stress's fault. hoho.
had a long chat. we touched a little on how our school has made us realised that we don't even reap what we sow, but yet the relationship now is that effort may even be inversely proportional to results. And realised 1 strength and 1 weakness in me. 1 strength is that i tend to do my best in trying to achieve sth that i aim for. 1 weakness is that i get demoralised easily and need some time to pick myself up. this leads to the point that when i really try hard for my subjects..and nt that i see good results but still in fact failing grades..its not helping and even reinforce my weakness cos the morale will just get lowerand lower. Be4 i can recuperate from a failure, another thing set me back. viscious cycle keeps going on. i know i m not the type who consistantly...constantly studies but i study when exams are nearing. But why nt even a pass is rewarded.
Initially thought its my prob, then my polymates are in this shit too. Then realised fellow coursemates are also facing this, those who are smiling are those who really chiong. Does my school really focus on being an all rounder? This year's tagline for openhouse was L.I.F.E - sth along the line of living and inspiring sth exciting or what. I beg to differ if things are geared in such a chiong-er's attitude.
Anw, next wk...would be the start of final exams. Wed defence science and thur, calculus. Its scary. Defence science finals hold 100% cos its one and only paper in the course. Calculus, thanks to my sucky maths, i need a bloody 70% to PASS my paper. I really want to pass real badly. I don't want to re-take. I don't want to get a GPA so pathetic that i cant get my honours but still have to study for a bloody 4 years (rigid system here). I don't want to study for the max. time one can stay in a uni (7 years). I want...a normal life. ARhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Ok, to end this post on a lighter note. I have got my posting for special term I in the hols! I've got my 1st choice! Astronomy and Cosmology!!! Yeah. Finally, a module that I CHOSE. a module of my interest. lol. we'll c hw it goes.
Back to the books after making coffee in a cup out of 3 packs as usual.
"need more...want more...give more..."
11:46 PM
Thursday, April 10, 2008
THROUGH THE RAIN
MARIAH CAREY
ho...ho...
yeah...
ho...ho...oh...ooh...ooh...
when you get caught in the rain
with nowhere to run
when you´re distraught and in pain
without anyone
we keep prayin´ to saved
but nobody comes
and you feel so far away
that you just can´t
find your way home
you can get there alone
it´s okay
what you say
i can make it through the rain
i can stand up once again
on my own and i know
that i´m strong enough to mend
and every time i feel afraid
i hold tighter to my faith
and i live one more day
and i make it through the rain
hoo...hoo...doo doo doo
ooh...hoo...mmm...hmm...
and if you keep falling down
don´t you dare give in
you will arise safe and sound
so keep pressing on
step fastly
and you´ll find what you need
to prepare
what you say
i can make it through the rain
i can stand up once again
on my own and i know
that i´m strong enough to mend
and every time i feel afraid
i hold tighter to my faith
and i live one more day
and i make it through the rain
and when the wind moves
and shadows grow close
don´t be afraid
there´s nothing you can´t face
and sure they tell you
you´ll never pull through
don´t hesitate
stay calm and sane
i can make it through the rain
i can stand up once again
on my own and i know
that i´m strong enough to mend
and every time i feel afraid
i hold tighter to my faith
and i live one more day
and i make it through the rain
i can make it through the rain
can stand up once again
and i live one more day
and i´ll make it through the rain
ooh, yes, you can
mmm...hmm...
you can make it through the rain
3:08 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Didn't know u all actually read my posts. Haha. Little did i know when i share this situation here, quite many are concerned. I m comforted in a way. hek hek. Before I shall reveal my decision. I shall share some pictures, which marked quite a few events, which i have been in charged of, one way or another, big posts or small, from the yrs of my poly life till now. I was quite amazed by the collection though, cos i realized i missed some of them out, and these events are only those that involved the school, not counting those out of school. haha...
In 2005...my baby contributions to SAG and NPS...
When 2006 comes...haha...ambitious me take on challenging roles to try and hold more bigger performance and concerts..and this is when i start to pray for miracles..lol
Wow...2005...2006...2007...2008. Events after events, concerts after concerts. I think some couldn't understand y i did so much. Neither could i explain it very well. Lol. I just knew that sometimes i did it out of ambition, sometimes i did it out for friends, which i treasure ALOT, and sometimes, its just out to clear s***. In any case, once i set on doing it, it must not fail, at least not too badly. haha...
Judging from the way i looked at it, these events certainly are the ones that i would be reminded of everytime, anytime when i recall of my school days. Nevertheless, there must be a stop somewhere. I have decided, to not take up the post. Heng was right after all. I guess he knows that when i said i needa start to love myself a little more, it also meant giving up on some things. Its just a matter of choice.
I feel for the club. I feel for the pple. I feel for the urge to want to be part of the family. But to lead the club, I know i can. BUt, at the expense of my time and family and studies. These sacrifices are more than what it really count in me still. I have done my part for Nocturne, and it turned out surprisingly- really really well. I wish my decision is well-respected. I will still be part of the team, to support when i can, but not to lead. Its too much to ask for right now. Thanks to all of those who have faith in me, but also sorry to the same bunch to my cowardice to take on the post. I followed my heart.
FYI now, they still want me in the comm, and i m still considering a mini post, one that i can be stagnant most of the time. But till now, i m a member. LOl. Enough of GE, here's the news abt my midterm exams. It sucked. Haha. The papers are killers!!! Horrible horrible papers. Physics i must say i gave up on 2 chaps, which meant that those qns regarding the chaps i didn't study i didn't do, and it was unexpectedly..half of the paper. lol. so now i got 50% chance to pass.
About my biochem. the tcher really sux. The paper is really darn ass. His notes contains like tons of mechanisms and its all in small print. extremely small- those that u enlarge ur ppt size to 200% also got difficulty reading-kind. And so I did my part and memorise and understand the others in normal print. BUT when his qns are out, instead of testing ABC, he tested 123%^%&. Which means, its not even relevant but out of focus kinda qns! So, u cannot even try. And sth even stupider happened. He carelessly repeated an mcq qn, which are 3m each. And some student told him abt it and he simply announced to the whole lecture group, "eh..students? qn11 and qn14 are repeats. so the 3m from the qn14 will be added on to qn 22." BLOODY HELL, qn22 is a structured BIOLOGY qn and he just added 3m to it, and its NOW 9m??? To get 6m for structured here is hell alr, wad's the 9m now man! Kaoz. Funny part is, suddenly when we started the paper, a rain storm started and flooded the school. Its for real. haha. When i left early after doing the paper, i walked out and the water level reached more than 10cm at certain places. lol. 老天都在哭泣.
In any case, i did my part. I studied. Will try even harder. But i wanna see results man. Haha. Hope i get my special term astronomy module. lol. And damn, i gotta shift to another hall room temporarily cos my hall's under maintenance..got fridge and all sia...so darn ma fan..who wanna help? lol...
站在十字路的交点出该怎么走,
你能不能了解
偶尔胆怯 也并不是个错误
大雨落下的瞬间 我突然发现
此刻的脚步若放慢一些
理智和情绪可能就会回到我身边
10:09 PM
